Forbidden Jokes About Our Dear Leader

 
Ronald Reagan once remarked about the great sense of humor Russians had about their Soviet government.  

While looking at some of these great asides, I realized that you could plug Obama for Stalin in some of them, and the joke still worked!

Here's a collection of classic remixed Soviet Union jokes.  Commit them to memory; it will ease your time in the future gulag!

* * *

Q: How does every Obama joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder!

* * *

Q: Why do ex-NSA officers make the best taxi drivers?
A: Because you only need to tell them your name and they’ll already know where you live!

* * *

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ronald Reagan!
Reagan, who?
That, comrade, is the right answer.

* * *

Q: Is it true Rush Limbaugh got 20 years in Leavenworth for libel on calling Obama a liar and an idiot?
A: No. The sentence for libel was six months. The 19 years, 6 months were for leaking out classified information.

* * *

A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then an American FBI adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the American embassy. In two hours, the FBI adviser appeared and said:
“His name was Amenhotep the 2nd.”
“How did you find out?”
“He confessed,” the adviser said.

* * *

What is the difference between a traditional American and a Soviet-American fairy tale?
An American fairy tale begins “Once upon a time...”
A Soviet-American fairy tale begins “CNN today reported...”

* * *

A man walks into a gun store with a notebook.
"Do you have any AR-15's?"
"No."
He makes a note.
"Street-sweepers?"
"No."
He makes another note.
"DHS could have shot you for making notes like that!," says a woman waiting in line.
"No bullets either," he writes.

* * *

"Comrade Obama, is it true that you collect political jokes?"
"Yes"
"And how many have you collected so far?"
"Three and a half Federal Prisons full."

* * *

Q: Is it true that Obama's America is the most progressive country in the world?
A: Of course! Life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!

* * *

Two guys were walking down the street in Washington D.C., one turns to the other, says “Do you think we’ve finally achieved perfect socialism?”
His friend says, “No Bob, it will get much worse”.

* * *

An old lady asked the President whether Obamacare was philosophy or science. Obama thought for a moment and answered, “A philosophy”.
“I thought so,” exclaimed the lady, “Scientists would have tried it on animals first!”

* * *

Obama decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the American people, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the White House.

After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Anthem plays and a huge picture of Obama appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins cheering, except Obama, who smugly remains seated.

A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

* * *

A man left his bedroom window open one night, and his pet parrot escaped. He went to DHS to report the missing parrot.
"Why are you bothering us with this? Couldn't you have reported it to the local police?" they asked.
"I just wanted you to know I don't agree with a damn thing he says about Obama!"

* * *

It's so difficult to make a joke about Obama - he kills satire wherever he goes.