Sunday, June 24, 2012

How do You say I Love You?

My wife just got back from a month of being with her mother who is ailing. My mom and dad took the kids, so we're enjoying a honeymoon. Staying up late talking, listening to music or watching a movie. Serenades, dancing, cooking, lazing in bed way past the usual wake up time and enjoying the cool mornings.

Every couple with children still in the house needs to take some time alone. Life's everyday troubles and mundane minutiae accumulate like barnacles on our souls, and some time alone focusing on just one another can melt them away.

I'm not the strong silent type who grudgingly grunts out answers, but I'm not Mr. Romantic all the time either, constantly holding hands and calling Mrs Silverfiddle "honey dear," and being at her every beck and call. I'm a big honey-do shirker and I am also not very good at empathy, or listening to long, drawn-out emotional sagas. Having daughters, I'm getting better at it though.

But my wife and children know that I love them, and my wife and I do our best to model a good marriage for our children. The psychological imprint of husband and wife, dad and mom, man and woman is critical to the ability of children to become healthy adults and form meaningful, nurturing relationships of their own.

I express my love by singing and cooking and dispensing cash

I thanked my dad for coming over to pick up the kids by smoking a mess of beef ribs and serving them up with corn on the cob.

I welcomed my wife with hot wings, shrimp scampi skewers, asparagus and seasoned potato wedges, all grilled. And of course I grabbed my guitar and serenaded her with our old romantic favorites (that include both Guns and Roses and Jose Luis Perales) as she sipped a chilled Spatlese I had poured for her. Tonight I'm doing her favorite, smoked baby backs.

It is so easy to say I love you, but putting love into action is the real test, and like all of us, I have failed many times, probably more than most.

There are an infinite number of ways to say I Love You...

...Patiently rearing and nurturing young souls, freely giving them your time and guidance, and spending your money on them instead of yourself...

...Being both mom and dad for months and years while your husband is off serving in some foreign land again...

...Giving back your bride temporarily to the family who gave her to you because they need her...

...Returning to your childhood home to nurse the aging mother who long ago nursed you...

May I never miss another chance...

33 comments:

Always On Watch said...

There are an infinite number of ways to say I Love You...

No doubt.

Mr. AOW views my preparing his favorite meal -- spaghetti with smoked sausage -- as an important expression of my love.

conservativesonfire said...

Well said, my friend. Family is the most important unit of society and parents are the rock a family is built on.

Adrienne said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh - Silverfiddle. That was so sweet and touching. Bless you!

Z said...

AOW, may I just interject here that every second of your days with what you have done for Mr AOW since his stroke has said I LOVE YOU and set an amazing example to most married couples? You're amazing.

SF...this is lovely and so important for married couples to read. From one who lost her amazing husband almost 3 years ago (sometimes it seems like 3 days ago), may I remind everyone that just still having your spouse is a huge blessing one's not really aware of while they're still here and healthy (and asking for the trash to be taken out!)...and to do everything you can to nurture and thoroughly enjoy the love you still have the blessings of.

You will miss another chance, SF...but you'll realize it and make up for it. That's where the fun starts :-) Be happy...for my Mr. Z.

xxx

Silverfiddle said...

@Z: AOW, may I just interject here that every second of your days with what you have done for Mr AOW since his stroke has said I LOVE YOU and set an amazing example to most married couples? You're amazing

A hearty amen to that! AOW is a hero. We can all wax romantic about marriage and love, but when a spouse falls ill and requires the herculean efforts that AOW has put forth, that's where the rubber meets the road.

All beautifully said, Z. We should enjoy our happiness where we find it, and cherish what we have while we have it.

viburnum said...

Great post SF!

You guys safe from that new fire?

Silverfiddle said...

Yeah, it's between where I live and where Finn lives.

On the way to church this morning we could see the smoke pouring over the ridgeline behind Garden of the Gods. Pretty scary...

viburnum said...

Pretty scary watching it from here too. Hoping 24 doesn't melt, I'm not real keen on the idea of using 67 as an alternate. You folks don't spend a lot of money on guardrails.

Ducky's here said...

I have an acquaintance who is a little too close for comfort to one of the larger fires.

Hope all is well for the Silverfiddle family.

FreeThinke said...

"It is so easy to say I love you, but putting love into action is the real test, ..."

Truer words were never said or written, Kurt.

Thanks for this beautiful reminder of what's really important. We get too preoccupied with all that seems wrong, threatening, annoying or unattractive, and let it mar the moment or spoil our sleep.

What you have done –– and what you tend always to do from what I've observed since meeting you a year ago –– is exactly the kind of thing most us need. You express appreciation and affection by giving the kind of gifts and services you know will delight and reassure your family and friends. You "give of yourself," as we used to say.

I would add these other things to any prescription for loving:

Always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, at least until there is no possibility of doubt left, and even then try to forgive those who offend.

If Our Master could forgive his torturers and murderers from the Cross, surely we ought to find enough love in our hearts to forgive those who irritate us, fail to appreciate us, wrongfully accuse us, and "despitefully use" us.

Thinking less and less of our own sorrows, aggravations and unfulfilled needs, and more and more of the needs and feelings of others is not only the most loving thing we could do, it is also the best gift we could ever give ourselves.

Our own burdens become much lighter when we give what we can to alleviate the suffering and allay the doubts and fears of others.

Again the poet says it so much better than I possibly could:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.


~ Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)


We fulfill our own needs best by serving others with no expectation of special rewards for ourselves.


Also, making a habit of always looking for and expressing RECOGNITION and APPRECIATION of whatever virtues, talents, and attempts “to make a difference” others make, however vain, is an oft-neglected way of giving love.


Walt Whitman said:


Be curious, not judgmental.


... “Whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral drest in his shroud.”


There’s so much nurturing wisdom and truth in poetry. How unstintingly it could enrich our lives, if only we had had enough curiosity to make us forget our petty concerns and explore in depth the Cosmos!


To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour ...



William Blake! Unique poet, artist, mystic, prophet, visionary, whose life spanned the late eighteenth and early nineteenth-centuries, knew as well or better than anyone I’ve ever known that words mean nothing unless they are brought to life with understanding gained in an honest, never-ending search for wisdom, and that all true wisdom is rooted in Love.


~ FreeThinke

FreeThinke said...

Viburnum,

What are you doing behind The Garden of the Gods?

I thought you were a Pennsylvanian.

Are you traveling?

~ FT

viburnum said...

Not yet. I'll be driving out there next week.

Teresa said...

Beautiful and touching words, Kurt.

Finntann said...

The nearest point to me that's being evacuated is 3 and half miles to the ESE (according to google earth). If the incident website map is accurate the closest point to the fire is 11 miles away. Still, 5 towns to the east of me have been evacuated. The highway makes a pretty good fire break, so I'm not too worried.

We have lots of smoke and haze and you can smell it on the air. Seems to move in and out as the wind shifts.

There have been 20 suspected wildland arsons here in the county in the last 10 days... if this turns out to be one of them the bastard ought to be put up against a wall and shot.

Other than that... great post SF.

Cheers!

Silverfiddle said...

There have been 20 suspected wildland arsons here in the county in the last 10 days... if this turns out to be one of them the bastard ought to be put up against a wall and shot.

I heard that too. Sickening...

You'd have a veritable army volunteer for the duty. Mrs Silverfiddle has an even more hideous punishment in mind that I can't share in this decorous forum.

Ducky's here said...

Be careful, Silverfiddle ...

SALT LAKE CITY -- Nineteen wildfires in Utah have been sparked this year by target shooting as dry and windy conditions make such ignitions more likely, authorities said ...

Elsewhere in the West, authorities in Colorado were investigating whether recreational shooting is to blame for starting a 1,145-acre wildfire near Lake George over the weekend.

KP said...

I think a lasting marriage (more or less happy) has a lot to do with the skill of navigating relationships. I have found that skill to be a moving target as I age. I find it easier to compromise today. As well, as you point out, relationships are tested and influenced by circumstances outside relationships themselves.

As I slow down physically, more and more, marriage is where I seek to overcome our outperform myself. It is a learning process rather than a guarantee of happiness. Single or married, life is what we make of it.

KP said...

Thanks for the thoughtful post, SF. It made me misty eyed reading it.

Finntann said...

@Nineteen wildfires in Utah have been sparked this year by target shooting as dry and windy conditions make such ignitions more likely.

"BLM officials say they believe the blaze was caused when a bullet hit a rock and sparked the fire."

http://www.firehouse.com/news/10733529/thousands-evacuated-after-shooting-sparks-utah-fire

I'm fairly sceptical that the shooting is the cause, as neither copper-jacketed nor lead bullets spark. Not too many people plink with steel jacketed or steel core rounds, and if they do, they're idiots anyway.

Blaming 19 fires on shooting just sounds like lazy liberal bullshit to me.

GOT AGENDA?

Silverfiddle said...

Thanks for taking care of that Finn...

I couldn't have said it better.

I did hear that one of the fires was started by a dumbass shooting a propane tank, which seems plausible.

viburnum said...

SF: "I did hear that one of the fires was started by a dumbass shooting a propane tank, which seems plausible."

You just can't fix stupid!!!

Finntann said...

You can if he stands close enough to the propane tank ;)

That was the report from the Springer Fire... I don't know if it has been substantiated.

Latest news... another fire on 67 North up around Deckers.

Personally, I think we should just ban tourists until the monsoons come.

I at least one person a week tossing cigarette butts out their car windows. For those of you that are that stupid... I got a cell phone and you have a license plate, and I have little tolerance for stupid.

Cheers!

Ducky's here said...

Ah, the joy of denial.

It's as much fund as pointing out that the Obamacare mandate is policy developed at The Heritage Foundation.

You folks are really adrift.

Much more constructive to reflect of Silver's topic of the day.

Silverfiddle said...

Much more constructive to reflect of Silver's topic of the day.

So then why go off on a totally unrelated tangent?

I embrace truth, and understand that the individual mandate was posited by people at Heritage. I'll even say they were for it before they were against it.

Now, can we press on without you further poisoning the thread?

Finntann said...

@Ah, the joy of denial.

Utah had 24 fires last year. At this year's pace, with three months left in the dry season, that number will likely be eclipsed.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nation/nationnow/la-na-nn-utah-shooters-spark-gunrights-controversy-20120624,0,1924086.story

Which implies that they haven't yet reached that 24 number.. so, it's 20.

If you believe that 20/20 fires were caused by sparks from ricocheting bullets... what can I say:

Ah, the joy of liberal fantasies

Rational Nation USA said...

Great reminders Kurt. In the hectic pace of one's life it is sometimes all too easy to overlook the truly most important aspects of life.

Ducky's here said...

Tangent?

The topic of the fires was introduced before me.

The premise that they were set was presented and I posted the news clip that some were caused by gun loons.

Not a tangent.

Finntann said...

@The topic of the fires was introduced before me.

Simply as current events affecting some of us, with no political agenda.

@I posted the news clip that some were caused by gun loons.

While you're grinding your axe on that...care to explain the physics of it Einstein?

One we might have believed...two maybe, but your stretching the probabilities... 19? Well that's like the same three numbers coming up in the state lottery 19 times in the past three months. You're smarter than that, why regurgitate it?

Unless of course there is some law in Utah that bans anything but steel ammunition out of fear of the poor little jumping field mice getting lead poisoning. I seem to recall Massachusetts banning lead shot for duck hunting.

Just sayin...

Jersey McJones said...

I spent five years down here in Florida caring for a woman through her mid-to-late 90's. My Grandmother-in-law. It was a fascinating, rewarding, and surprisingly easy, when you keep a healthy attitude about it, experience.

Golden Rule, Silver, Golden Rule. ;)

JMJ

Silverfiddle said...

Golden Rule, Silver, Golden Rule. ;)

Yes indeed...

Always On Watch said...

Damn. I left a 2nd comment here, and it's missing. Maybe it got sucked into the spam folder?

Anyway, I'm blushing at praise for me. The bottom line is that I took wedding vows BEFORE GOD 40 years ago. I meant what I said!

skudrunner said...

"I think a lasting marriage (more or less happy) has a lot to do with the skill of navigating relationships."

My thoughts are just admit it was your fault and save time because you will get blamed regardless of who is at fault.

Love the BGE, best smoker every!!

Silverfiddle said...

Skudrunner: Yup. I love my BGE. I used an OCB for years (Old Crappy Brinkman), and this is light years ahead of that.