Wednesday, April 29, 2015

GOP Unveils New Name, Symbol

Ball-less Plucked Chicken

GOP Rebranding

In a nod to the modern-day state of affairs, the GOP has ditched the elephant as its symbol.  Party Chairman Rancid Phlebitis also announced a name change.  The erstwhile Grand Old Party of Lincoln would forthwith be known as the Gutless Offensive Oaf Party, or GOOP for short.  The new GOOP symbol is the Capon.

 "Who were we kidding anyway," a baggy-eyed Senator Lindsay Graham sighed.  "A ball-less, plucked chicken is the perfect symbol, and GOOP is a pretty fair description of our party philosophy."

Conservatives React

Phyllis Schlafly, who at 216 years old is the party's most venerable and articulate spokesperson, condemned the move, as did female firebrand Sarah Palin, who was out camping with Ted Nugent when reporters tracked her down.

Upon hearing the news, Palin grabbed Uncle Ted's Luitpold-scoped .460 Weatherby and vowed to "shoot the balls off of every last lily-livered retreating RINO!"

Meanwhile, back in the District of Criminals, reaction varied.

When reporters tracked down Senator Orville Snatch of Utah, he looked skyward and opined, "What does the GOOP stand for? Does anybody know? Can any of my fellow GOOPers state our foundational principles?  We gained the House majority in 2010, and took over the Senate in 2014.  What's changed?"

We tracked down Doctor Phil, and he agreed with Senator Snatch.  "When the GOOPers do try to stand up for principles, they shoot themselves in the face with their own cannons. They are horribly inept at 21st Century communication strategy."

Reverend Billy Jim Holler, a Southern Baptist minister and conservative activist, shook his head at the "party I no longer know."

Rev. Billy Jim Holler
Then he scared away Fox News reporter Shepard Smith when he unleashed fire and brimstone on the "gutless, nutless wonders of GOOP." 

"GOOPers are weasels who allow themselves to be painted, defined, screwed, blued and tattooed by leftwing cultural kommisars in the press, political arena, popular culture and academia! GOOPers don't know whether to shit or go blind, dammit all, so they do the easy thing!  They fall in line!"

The Reverend paused, calmed himself, then grabbed a startled CNN reporter by the lapels, smashed him on the forehead with a meaty palm, and demanded Satan come out of him as the reporter stumbled backwards into a low hedge and sent the small contingent of MSNBC kids scrambling for safety.

The Reverend kicked at the abandoned lattes dropped on the sidewalk by the retreating MSNBC cowards and continued pacing and raving, his voice a condemnatory rasp:
"So in summary, my good friends, the GOOPers have no discernible foundational philosophy that differs in any way from America's Democrat Socialist Party."
He pointed a righteous finger at the capitol and dropped into his best televangelist cadence as he paced the sidewalk and glared at the crowd.
"The GOOP-uh is but one of two taloned batwings of that satanic, rapacious creature that surveils us-uh, stalks us-uh, spares nothing and no one from its evil and pornographic gaze-uh.  This creature-uh has done squozed the LIFE out of this nation!  It's CONSUMED us!  May Almighty GAWD in Heaven and his COHORTS of angels DAMN this beast to the fiery and sulfurous depths of hell!"
President Obama Issues Statement from Bed

President Obama perusing a GOOP brochure
President Obama, on a spiritual retreat in rural Kenya, was awakened by his manservant, and the president allowed in reporters and gave them a statement from his bed:

The few GOOPers who might actually believe in the hate-filled philosophies of conservatism and free market capitalism stand stupid and inarticulate in the town square, squinting and crouching under the harsh scrutiny of correct thinking people.  We're all progressives now, and the GOOP needs to get with the program.

They can run, but they can't hide.   Unlike me, GOOPers do not know how to state their beliefs with a kind face and defend them, so we will continue to mau mau those mothers, pillory their little pisant asses, and cow the conservatives into shutting up, recanting, apologizing and doing what a good little dhimmi-republican is supposed to be doing: Going along to get along.

The president ended with a chuckle.  "I may even throw a few ducats their way when I get back."

Chicken Picture credit:

No comments: