Dick Cheney Must Be Behind It!
Computer experts have recovered 22 million Bush White House e-mails previously thought lost or destroyed (22 million!) and Bush foes who had filed lawsuits to have them handed over are jubilant.
WASHINGTON (AP) - Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the administration of President George W. Bush, according to two groups that are settling lawsuits they filed over the failure by the Bush White House to install an electronic record keeping system.
Bush haters have been devouring the e-mails like a pack of ravenous wolves. One Cheney e-mail to the president has them particularly excited:
Well, George, I'm off to my secret, underground, undisclosed torture chamber. Got a fresh shipment of jihadis in and I want to test out the new cattle prod. The bullwhip just ain't cutting it anymore. I want 'em pissin' their pants when I get my torture on! Bwahahahahaha! -- Dick
White House Manipulated Gas Prices
Other e-mail traffic reveals the source of the gasoline price spike in 2007: President Bush accidentally bumped the secret dial under his desk that he used to control global petroleum prices.
He had purposely turned it down in 2004 to get reelected, then eased it back up slightly to keep the Big Oil cronies happy. But he apparently got excited while eavesdropping on an ordinary citizen's phone call to Sweden and slammed his knee into the dial, sending prices skyward. The impact was so severe he had to give up mountain biking for a week.
Despite that, he didn't realize what he'd done until campaign money began gushing in from corrupt oil companies with thank you notes attached. The event prompted this e-mail to the energy secretary:
Damn, still can't believe I did that... Can we blame the gas price increase on France? Just askin' heh heh heh... -- The Decider
More Embarrassing E-Mails
There are supposedly other embarrassing e-mails, including one where the former president compares Nancy Pelosi to a washed up drag queen and threatens to lasso Keith Olbermann and pull him behind his horse like Ben Cartwright did to a bad guy on a Bonanza episode.
It is also rumored that in one piquant missive, Vice President Cheney offered to "Butcher that fatass Michael Moore like the hog that he is," and unfavorably compared Senator John Kerry to a flaccid male appendage, but that has yet to be confirmed.
Don't believe me? Go read the story here: Breitbart