I know I do. If Romney vs. Obama doesn't make you want to gouge out your eyes, light yourself on fire and run screaming off of a cliff, I don't know what will...
Nuthin' some Jack Daniels, BBQ and playing music with friends won't solve. One of my buddies is bringing over a banjo he just inherited from his grandpa.
My new favorite thing is Cracked.com. I remember Cracked from my childhood as the alternative to Mad Magazine for the discriminating pre-teen boy, and I didn't realize until the other day that they had a web site. Who doesn't, I guess...
Anyway, here are a couple of snippets that had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes, and that hasn't happened for a long time. It's a little racy, but nothing too over the top. As a bonus, since it has Cher in metal underwear I can tag this as a Rule 5 post!
What follows is all from Cracked, not my cracked brain. I only wish I were this inventive. Chime in and let us know which were your favorites ...
The 19 Most Hilariously Failed Attempts at Sexy Album Covers
There's a lot going on in this album cover, and all of it is awesome. But what you can't see is what happened moments later. The snake actually got this woman pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a full-size 1978 Ford Econoline Van with an airbrushed picture of a Viking riding a fire breathing dragon through the night sky on the side of it.
# 6. Whitesnake - Love Hunter
There's a lot going on in this album cover, and all of it is awesome. But what you can't see is what happened moments later. The snake actually got this woman pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a full-size 1978 Ford Econoline Van with an airbrushed picture of a Viking riding a fire breathing dragon through the night sky on the side of it.
# 10. Cher - Take Me Home
Nothing turns on a man like metal lingerie that, by our count, has 13 different points capable of tearing open your scrotum if she makes an unexpected move.
#5. Ready America 77100 Cat Evacuation Kit
Your first thought might be, "Is this a joke product?" No, you asshole. Some people, when faced with a fire or earthquake, might want to leave the house with their cat safely restrained and well-supplied instead of releasing it into the street to be run over by an arriving emergency vehicle. Maybe this product isn't for you if you like to throw your cat into the path of approaching fire trucks, but some people can make use of it.
Sorry, I'm supposed to be presenting sarcastic reviews, not writing them. As you can guess, most of the jokes come from misunderstood instructions, although each of these reviewers decided to go a different direction.
32 comments:
The cat carrier review is hysterical.
Little known fact - Ducky loves old timey and plays a 1920 Fairbanks.
Ducky: So cool. Does it have a fifth string or just four?
Is "old timey" that 1890's-1920's era banjo strumming music that includes those flat-brimmed hats? Like ragtime?
Forgive my ignorance. Banjos mean bluegrass to me (or latterly, Mumford and Sons).
Old timey is folk and the difference between old timey and bluegrass is that the fiddle is the lead instrument.
The banjo doesn't solo. No resonator on an old timey banjo.
Greatest old timey player - Charlie Poole.
SHEESH! From the look of the illustrations I thought I must have stumbled into Jack Camwell's blog by mistake.
What happened to my perfectly innocent comments on the joys of loving pussies?
To wit:
"There's nothing like a little pussy to help ease tension during a crisis, right guys?
"So glad some enterprising person has developed a product to help protect and enhance the comfort and safety of pussies everywhere!"
~ FreeThinke
PS: The verification word is TAILFOU. Un-bee-LEE-vuh-bull!
Yeah, haha, witty...
another four years of obama, that'll make me want to gouge my eyes out. Heavens above, please no.
Beamish and a penis walk into a bar. The bartender turns to the penis and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve penises in this bar". The penis replies, "That's okay, I'm not really here. The guy I came in with only imagines that I'm here." Beamish then orders a beer, drinks it, and turns to leave. The bartender, not wanting to get stiffed shouts, "Hey, you've gotta PAY for that!" whereupon beamish replies, "Pay for what, penis breath? I'm not one to deny service to penises!"
Get it? Beamish was projecting the state of his own breath on the bartender....
BWAH-HA-HA-HA!
I love threads dedicated to humour. :)
Love the kitty!! Can't say much for the other two pics, yech! LOL!
I pitched several ideas to Cracked but they were rejected such as 6 ways Paula Deen can stay addicted to butter. Oh well. People will just have to settle for my humor over at The Mainland.
An aged sex symbol called Cher
Can no longer be seen fully bare,
So she's had to settle
For peekaboo metal.
Get near her? No real man would dare!
Now that Cher has become an elder,
Her only close friend is a welder.
Her armored defense
Makes a great deal of sense.
Any man would get maimed if he held her!
Her gilded Chastity Belt
Has with aging effectively dealt.
Now that none dare get close
They can't tell just how gross
I would be if her old hide got felt!
~ FreeThinke
Thanks for this Silver. I'm so sick of national politics, I'm ready to swear it all off. I needed a nice long diversion in the form of a laugh.
For all of you I have a query:
Could Cher think she’s become a Valkyrie?
Wagner’d shout his derision
At so grotesque a vision.
Cher’s an Arab not Aryan, dearie.
~ FT
Let me add this to best album covers... http://www.amazon.com/Songs-About-Fucking-Big-Black/dp/B0000019GE
The back cover is better.
Cher is not an arab.
Great stuff!
With a 'Carnac the Magnificent' type stare: the next time you post about politics "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week.", "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi", "May you walk a mile under a diseased camel," "May your only son become the goalie on a nude hockey team.")
I have to admit I'm at the moment stumped as to how to make FJ's gay rage obsession with me look any more ridiculous to you all than it already does.
I can't even think of a question for DQ. I guess that is proof I am no Carnac.
KP said...
Great stuff!
With a 'Carnac the Magnificent' type stare: the next time you post about politics "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week.",
The mental highlight reel I am receiving is funny as hell.
@ beamish:
Just admit to everyone now that you are both stupid and a penis obsessed homophobe, and I'll go away, beamish. Everyone else here already knows it. This public intervention is for the sake of your own mental health. ;)
Silverstrings and Plucky Ducky...
is a banjo easy to play, compared to a guitar?
or harder?
KP: Those old Carson Carnac routines are classic!
As for the sock puppets, best to just ignore them. I would zap the little time-wasters, but that itself would be a waste of my time...
Dmarks: Strumming-wise, a banjo or guitar is about equal. Guitar maybe a little harder because it has more strings.
Banjo playing like bluegrass and such is much harder, and I think it takes a special personality to do it well.
FJ,
I'm not homophobic, I just hate prissy little faggots. Like you.
This three-month, going on four-month long grudge you have against me is absurd.
I'm not the one that made you look like an idiot. You do that just fine on your own.
Silverfiddle,
I'm sorry I have a futile attraction / stalker polluting your blog. He posts here (and other blogs I frequent) to badger and berate me because I refuse to lift the ban on leftists with less than 86 IQ points on my blog.
Let's go kick some paulbot tail, beamish dawg! Damn homo Paulbots!
Nothing is funnier than watching a "bully" sqeel "victim". "Help me, sf...I'm being unfairly characterized..."
Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
You're doing a fine job representing the typical Paulbot, FJ.
Please, don't let little ol' me stop you from making an ass of yourself.
I can hardly WAIT to begin my astronaut training, beamish. Isn't Newt the GREATEST!
Take your hissy slap fights somewhere else, or I'll zot you all
I think FJ is running out of places to stalk me.
Warrior Clowns
The crowds stopped roaring
And vacated the arena long ago.
The spectacle had reached the point
Where it no longer titillated,
No longer shocked, depressed,
Annoyed, or inspired
Even the faintest semblance
Of empathy, interest or concern.
Evening shadows lengthen
Darkening the tarmac.
The sky purples, then blackens.
There is no moon tonight.
She has taken refuge ––
Along with the stars ––
Behind a thick blanket
Of lowering thunderclouds.
And still
The weary gladiators fight on ––
Unaware that the sweet Release,
The blessed Relief ––
The Peace ––
The Joy
Of Death
Can never overtake
Warrior-clowns
Thrusting in futility
In the vast emptiness
Of Cyberspace.
Their Agony shall be
Eternal.
~ FT
Post a Comment