Islamosis

Editor's Note:  Today's outing is a guest post by a Boone County Professor known to us as bocopro.  Enjoy!

Islamosis

Strange, strange syndrome, this highly contagious Islamosis that is pandemic throughout western Asia and northern Africa and now spreading into Europe and North America. Purely psychosomatic in origin, Islamosis manifests itself primarily in two areas of the body: the higher-order logic centers of the neocortex; and the bodily integument.

Sociologists and neurosurgeons working in conjunction with experienced in-situ physicians and psychiatrists from several advanced nations have distilled the causal factors down to three: rampant male paranoia, complete lack of raison d’etre, and simple jealousy.

Symptoms of Islamosis first appear outwardly on the skin, the integument, in a condition which doctors have named Muslimitis, which alters the skin layers to become so abnormally thin that it quickly festers and becomes necrotic if agitated in any way, particularly rubbing in an uncomfortable direction.

At that stage, although the condition remains entirely psychosomatic, it takes on characteristics of a typical bacterial or viral infection, becoming highly contagious, particularly through sharing of printed materials such as leaflets, magazines, and books written in Arabic which plagiarize and pervert traditional religions. Much evidence exists to suggest that it can spread also by word of mouth as well as by electronic messaging.

Immediately following the initial infection, the neocortex of the afflicted individual morphs into a slimy froth, much like what would result from collecting pond scum and mucus and mixing them in a high-speed blender. Reasonable discussion, logical decision-making, and normal social interaction become impossible for the victim.

The next stage is known as Jihadoma, in which the individual becomes irrational and violent, often joining other victims in mobs and frenzies characterized by anti-everything gibberish and chest-thumping twaddle. All the classic symptoms of paranoia can be seen in his behavior at this point. Many victims then further degenerate into what is known as Cartoonophobia, a serious behavioral paroxysm resulting in uncontrollable rage at the sight of 7th century pedophiles being depicted in unflattering situations on paper.

Once fully involved in Cartoonophobia, the final inevitable stage occurs: Martyrisis, the delusion that slaughtering innocent infidels will heap lasting credit upon the name of the Islamosis sufferer and transport him to an alternate reality filled with camels which spit dates, oases which flow with milk and honey, and dozens of personal concubines of indeterminate gender and species.

The only cure known for this dangerous condition is cerebrum upgrade, a delicate surgical procedure in which the damaged neocortex is replaced by that of a howler monkey, or a pig if no suitable monkey can be found. Failing that, the most effective treatment is insertion of 50 to 60 grams of either lead or copper directly into the brainstem at an upward angle of approximately 45 degrees.

Dr. Wadda Ghuque, a board-certified psychologist, provides the following insight, which he has recorded in many sessions with Islamosis sufferers:

“Society has treated me badly. My mother was distant and frightened of my father, who was ignorant and brutal. I was picked on in school and not allowed to form any real relationships with girls of my own age. Since I spent all my time memorizing the Qur’an, I didn’t learn any marketable skills, so I can’t find a decent job. Praise Allah that Islam, through our Prophet Muhammad’s dictations (PBUH), gives me authority to wreak my vengeance on a cold, cruel, blind world.”

The statement is not a direct quote from any specific individual, merely a composite of related utterances by multiple victims. Still, there can be no disagreement that it identifies much of the problem in the Islamic mind. Dr. Ghuque, along with many of his colleagues, hasten to add that many young Muslim men (women are not permitted to share their opinions in public, if they have any) are privately covetous of what they see as happiness and fulfillment amongst followers of other belief systems, such as Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, and Hinduism, and have concluded that if they can’t be happy, then they want no one else to be either.

As one young man, whose identity must be withheld for ethical doctor-patient reasons, said:

“Dammit, it’s tough to watch all those girls, their open faces framed in glorious hair of different colors, their vibrant skin right out there for the eye to see, shaking their booties, having great fun, drinking beer, eating bacon cheeseburgers, while I’m stuck here with this miserable falafel and cous-cous and hot tea watching who-knows-what-the-hell-that-is wrapped up in a tent and smelling like she hasn’t had a decent bath in a month. Makes a guy want to go shoot somebody.”